<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>I Only Have Pies For You by sidewinder</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29417253">I Only Have Pies For You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidewinder/pseuds/sidewinder'>sidewinder</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural, The Good Place (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Attempt at Humor, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:02:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,445</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29417253</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidewinder/pseuds/sidewinder</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel only meant to rescue Dean from an angry bunch of demons. Somehow they ended up in an entirely different dimension. Will they ever be able to find their way out? Will Dean even want to leave behind an endless assortment of pies?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester &amp; Eleanor Shellstrop</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Chocolate Box - Round 6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Only Have Pies For You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/penna_nomen/gifts">penna_nomen</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This work is (loosely?) set during Season 8 of <i>Supernatural</i>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One microsecond, Castiel was teleporting in to rescue Dean from imminent death in an industrial kitchen full of ancient and angry Ukobach demons ready to drop him into a vat of boiling oil. </p><p>Just a typical day for one of the Winchesters, as these things went. And a bog-standard rescue for Castiel as soon as he’d heard Dean’s cry for help. As much as he’d been trying to keep his distance from Dean and Sam lately, he couldn’t <em>not</em> help one of them in such a desperate moment of need. He’d pop in, pull him out of trouble, then pop back out. </p><p>Right?</p><p>Only the next microsecond, after he scooped up Dean in his arms and drew on his power to <em>be elsewhere</em>, they were...</p><p>Not at all where he intended for them to be.</p><p>“Whoa, what the <em>fork</em>, Cas!”</p><p>Castiel looked all around as Dean clung to his trenchcoat for balance. Humans were always shaken after teleportation, sometimes a little nauseous, but this time the angel was feeling unsteady as well. He’d been aiming to send them ten miles away from the kitchen, back to Dean’s motel room on the outskirts of Cherry Hill, New Jersey. </p><p>But this was definitely <em>not</em> New Jersey.</p><p>No, they were in a town center, somewhere, in a place that looked a little too...perfect. Like something out of a childrens’ television or theater set—all pastel colors, too pretty, too neat.  </p><p>And why were there so many businesses here with the word “pie” in their names?</p><p>“Cas...?” Dean prompted again, standing straight now and looking around with puzzlement himself.</p><p>“I...am not sure.” Normally Castiel could pinpoint his exact location on planet Earth in the blink of a human eye. But it was as if his internal navigation system was...broken. It was <em>there</em>, not missing, but...he’d lost all sense of direction. His was a compass spinning in circles with no magnetic field with which to align.</p><p>He could find no North, no South. No sense of anything that told him where he was on Earth or even if this <em>was </em>Earth. He knew it was neither Heaven nor Hell, nor Purgatory either. But what did that leave?</p><p>“Something must have gone wrong,” he said simply, having nothing else to tell Dean at that moment. </p><p>“Gee, ya think? I mean, thanks for saving my ash from the literal frying pan back there but—”</p><p>“Ah! Castiel and Dean, there you two are!” A tall, white-haired man in a suit and bow tie bounded towards them, cutting short their conversation. At least, from the outside this creature presented himself as a human male. Castiel could immediately tell he was anything but—though his human skin suit was manufactured somehow, not worn via demonic possession. </p><p>Yet he <em>was</em> a demon, no question about it. Castiel instinctively stepped forward to place himself in front of Dean, but there was no sense of imminent malicious intent coming from the creature. In fact he seemed downright <em>giddy</em> as he came to a sudden halt right before them, panting. “Oh, I’ve been looking <em>all over</em> for you guys, I thought your train was due in an hour ago!”</p><p>“We got...held up,” Castiel replied with caution. The demon didn’t seem to notice anything wrong with them, nor their presence here save apparent tardiness. So he would play along, see what he could learn by observation and listening while saying as little as possible.</p><p>Dean had taught him a lot about acting dumb.</p><p>“Yeah, traffic was a bench,” Dean said, frowning as the last word came out of his mouth. Castiel saw him silently repeat it to himself, confusion furrowing his brow.</p><p>“Well, no matter. Still plenty of time to get you settled in and situated. Come along!” He beckoned them to follow him out into the center of the town square. There were others about, sitting on benches talking and laughing, coming in and out of the overly cutesy shops. And they were all demons in human skin suits, as far as Castiel could ascertain—save one dark-haired human in a Buddist monk’s robe, sitting at a table all by himself outside a shop named <em>Pie for a Pie</em>.  </p><p>“So, you guys weren’t part of my original planning for the neighborhood experiment, but I’m glad the home office let me requisition additional players for this part of the storyline. You <em>did</em> go over the character notes I sent along, didn’t you?”</p><p>“Sorry, but...I think the ‘home office’ forgot to pass them along,” Dean said.</p><p>“Oh, bother! You know, I bet Shawn did that on purpose to mess with me, I knew he was being too generous with my request,” the demon said with an exasperated sigh. “Well, there’s an extra copy waiting for you in your place, I printed one out just in case. But here’s the Cliff Notes version. Both of you were mistakenly sent to The Bad Place after you died.”</p><p>“We’re dead?” Dean asked, blinking. Not that being dead was a new experience for him, Castiel knew, but he’d been trying to <em>save</em> Dean from such a fate once more. Not drop him right into death’s clutches.</p><p>“Everyone here is, in theory. Well except me, of course, as your duly appointed Architect. You’ve spent the last six months since your deaths being horribly tortured before someone upstairs went ‘Oops!’ and realized they’d made a <em>big</em> mistake. A <em>huge</em> mistake, really, as that never, <em>ever</em>, happens, egg on us Architects’ faces, am I right?”</p><p>“Right,” Castiel said, not having any idea what he was agreeing with. But anything to keep this demon who was clearly in charge around here revealing information.</p><p>“Unless it means some <em>other</em> pair of supposed soul mates currently in this neighborhood don’t <em>actually</em> belong...and that’s what we want the four human test subjects to worry themselves miserable over, especially as you share horror stories of your time <em>down there</em>.”</p><p>“That part will be easy,” Dean said in a flat tone. “Got a lot of expertise when it comes to that.”</p><p>“Wonderful! Oh, I can’t wait, this is going to be so much <em>fun!</em> And you should get the chance to meet them all tonight as Tahani is planning a big welcome party for you, our newest pair of soul mates to hit town. Now I merely have to decide on the best way to ruin it for her. In the meantime, Janet?”</p><p>There was a <em>ping! </em>and then a cheery, “Hi there!”</p><p>Dean stumbled and had to grab onto Castiel’s trenchcoat once more for support as a woman suddenly appeared next to them. Though again, Castiel could tell she was not an actual human woman—but unlike the others all around them, neither was she a demon.</p><p>She was something he’d never encountered before as he tried to scan her composition—part magic, part technology, but in both ways of a construction entirely alien to him. She smiled brightly as the white-haired demon-man said, “Janet, please show our new residents to their home, will you?”</p><p>“Of course, Michael.”</p><p>“All right. Catch up with you guys tonight!”</p><p>Michael skipped off, leaving them alone with the smiling...thing. “I’m Janet, the informational assistant here in The Good Place, here to answer any and all questions you might have,” she introduced herself.</p><p>“The Good Place, that’s where we are?” Dean asked.</p><p>“Yes! This is Neighborhood 12358W and I’m its assigned Janet. You are residents three-hundred-and-twenty-three and three-hundred-and-twenty-four, which is unusual as there are only supposed to be three-hundred-and-twenty-two residents per neighborhood. But, no worries! You are here and therefore you must belong. And now I will show you to your eternal happy home.”</p><p>“Eternal, because...this is the Afterlife.” Castiel was finally starting to put things together.</p><p>“Yes! Didn’t Michael explain that in your orientation meeting?”</p><p>“We, um, we got here a little late for that,” Dean said.</p><p>“Not a problem. I can explain whatever you need to know, and summon whatever you might require. And all your requests or questions are strictly confidential.” </p><p>That was good to know, at least. Because Castiel had a <em>lot</em> of questions to ask if he was going to try to find a way to get them out of here and back to where they belonged.</p><p>“Hey, before we check out our digs, can we stop in here?” Dean asked, as they were in front of a pastry shop called <em>Pie Any Means Necessary</em>. Castiel shot him an exasperated look and Dean shrugged. “What? I haven’t eaten all day and those pies look <em>really</em> good.”</p><p>“Of course,” Janet said. “You both take your time. I’ll be waiting for you right here.”</p><p>“<em>Sweet</em>.”</p>
<hr/><p>“Since we had to create your house after planning the rest of the neighborhood, it is a bit on the outskirts,” Janet explained in apology as they stepped inside. “But my design notes from Michael suggest that’s exactly what you would have wanted.”</p><p>“So, you’re saying this house was built exactly for us?” Dean asked, between mouthfuls of some of the best cherry pie he’d ever eaten. It was so good he was glad he’d asked for a second slice to take home for later, once he’d learned they didn’t even cost anything here. </p><p>“Yes. Every house in this neighborhood is designed to match your true essence, everything you could both desire.”</p><p>That would explain the decor, Dean thought. The house was a rustic-looking cabin, on the inside not too unlike Bobby’s old place, which made it feel immediately familiar and comfortable. As comfortable as he could feel, in this moment, considering he had no idea what was going on and where they were beyond the awesome pie in town. The walls were decorated in a mixture of some of his favorite classic rock album artwork and nature photography that he had to assume matched Cas’s interests. </p><p>Dean’s eyes caught and he made a direct beeline to a well-equipped audio system built into one wood-panelled wall, which also seemed to house more lps than he could even count. In fact if he looked at the spines on the records’ shelving unit they all seemed to blur together.</p><p>“Dean, you will find your music library is equipped with any 20th century rock album you might enjoy,” Janet explained. “Just think of the title you want to listen to and it will appear.”</p><p>Curious to test it out, he thought of <em>Let it Bleed</em>. Immediately the blurred spine he’d been looking at came into focus, and sure enough it was the requested Rolling Stones record. “<em>That</em> is beyond cool,” he said. </p><p>“I think you’ll both also enjoy the upstairs library. It includes the complete back catalog of <em>Busty Asian Beauties</em>.” </p><p>Dean’s eyes widened and he nearly choked on his pie. “You’re shirting me.” <em>Shirt?! </em>Why couldn’t he swear out loud any longer?! </p><p>“No I’m not, because this is The Good Place! And behind the house is a garden for Castiel, filled with bee-friendly flowers, and a hive to maintain.”</p><p>For a moment, Dean shuddered at the memory of Cas naked and swarmed by bees on the hood of his car. Poor Baby. <em>Poor my brain.</em> Would no one ever let him forget that? Ever?</p><p>“Is there anything else I can do for you now?” Janet asked them. “Or would you like some time to settle in.”</p><p>“I think we could use some time to...familiarize ourselves with our surroundings,” Cas said, giving Dean his best, most serious we-need-to-talk look.</p><p>“Of course. If you need anything, just say my name and I’ll be right here.”</p><p>“Wait, Janet, one thing before you go,” Dean said, putting down his pie plate. “Back before he ran off on us, Michael said something about—or called us—‘soul mates’?”</p><p>“Oh, silly me! That’s right, you missed Michael’s ‘Welcome To The Good Place’ movie, what with being in The Bad Place and all that. You two are living here together because you are soul mates! Everyone who makes it to The Good Place has one. Your one destined true love for all eternity.”</p><p>Dean could feel his face turning fifty shades of beet red while Cas’s expression remained undecipherable. Janet kept up her infuriating smile and observed, “It’s quite romantic, isn’t it? At least I’m told it is, because I’m not human so I do not understand nor experience human emotions. But whatever I can do to help you experience <em>yours</em> to the fullest, I will do my best.”</p><p>“Thank you, Janet, you may go now,” Cas said, and in a blink she was gone.</p><p>Dean let out a long, deep exhale and collapsed onto the sofa. “All right, Cas, now that we’re finally alone, let me repeat my first question that I asked after you zapped us here: What the <em>fork </em>is going on? And why can’t I say <em>fork? FORK!”</em></p><p>“Again, I do not know except something went wrong. I intended for us to end up back at your motel. Yet we are somehow in what I can only surmise is an alternative...not even timeline, but universe or reality of some kind.”</p><p>“I didn’t think angels could do that. Travel through different dimensions.”</p><p>“We can’t. Only the absolute most powerful, the beings of the original creation, can move freely around the multiverse. That’s the way things are supposed to work, unless there’s been some kind of glitch. A rift in the fabric of the multiverse that I somehow sent us through without realizing.”</p><p>“Figures there’d be one of those in freakin’ New Jersey.”</p><p>“Either that or my powers are still unpredictable after our time in Purgatory. I’m sorry, Dean. I did not intend for this to happen.”</p><p>“It’s better than being a crispy fried human snack on a Ukobach buffet, so I won’t complain too much. But, how do we find our way back out, locate the rift or get your mojo fully back up and running?” </p><p>“I have no idea. Not yet. All I have been able to put together is that we are not even on this universe’s version of Earth any longer but in their form of the Afterlife. One that doesn’t even have a God, per se, nor angels. But it is crawling with demons.”</p><p>“Demons? Shirt.” Dean’s heart sank. Despite the weirdness of this whole situation, he’d had to admit he’d been enjoying a lot of things about it. This house. All the pie. “How many?” he asked warily, checking his jacket pockets to make sure his weapons were all where they should be.</p><p>“Every single one of them so far. Except for the Janet who—” </p><p>A <em>ping! </em>and a sudden “Hi there!” interrupted Castiel as Janet appeared right beside him. Dean had to stifle a laugh as this time it was Cas who jumped at her instant appearance. “How can I help you?”</p><p>“Sorry, I didn't mean to summon you.”</p><p>“No worries. It’s like butt-dialing, am I right? Happens a lot to new arrivals. Okay, bye!” she waved at them and disappeared again. Cas turned his attention back to Dean. “As I was saying, all of them except for <em>her</em>, and one Buddist monk I saw in town. Only by his thoughts I don’t think he was actually a monk. Instead of silently repeating prayer he was thinking of something called a...Bortles?”</p><p>Dean shrugged. “Beats me. But...didn’t that Michael guy, or demon, say something about ‘four human test subjects’? So there must be four humans here, besides me. And one angel.”</p><p>“And three hundred and eighteen demons in disguise, not including Michael.”</p><p>Dean let out a slow and heavy sigh, rubbing his face with his hands. “Help me out, Cas. What are we going to do?”</p><p>“I suggest we play along, for now. Read these ‘Cliff Notes’ on our supposed characters,” Cas said, picking up a binder on the table, there as promised by Michael. “Try to lay low and...perform our expected parts until I can figure out if we were sent here on purpose or accident. And how to find or re-open the rift back home, either way.”</p><p>Dean nodded. He could think of nothing else either. He was glad, though, that he was not alone on this trip through time or space or whatever as had so many times been the case before.</p><p>He had Cas with him, and Sam was back home safe. He hadn’t even been in on this hunt to begin with. He was busy down in Tennessee with Garth, dealing with a poltergeist.</p><p>Dean would spend a few hours catching up on some rest. And hoping there’d be more pie tonight at their party.</p>
<hr/><p>“I gotta admit, you clean up pretty good there, Cas.”</p><p>Castiel frowned, looking down at his all-white suit and shoes, a near identical match to the attire Dean wore. “Was I dirty earlier?”</p><p>Dean chuckled, giving him a light pat on the back. “It’s a figure of speech, buddy. I meant you look sharp in that outfit. Considering the frumpy way she dresses herself, that Janet’s got a good eye for fashion and fit.”</p><p>“I see.” Tahani Al-Jamil—another actual human, as Castiel had identified—had stopped by their house not long after their arrival to introduce herself and deliver invitations to their grand welcome party she had planned for them that evening. </p><p><em>“It’s a white party, to celebrate your new beginnings as soul mates here in the Good Place!” </em>she’d enthused. <em>“And I can assume you it will be an even bigger and better white party than the one I threw for Naomi Campbell in 2013!” </em></p><p><em>“Sounds...great, but...where do we get the right duds to wear?”</em> Dean had asked.</p><p>
  <em>“Oh, don’t worry your incredibly devastatingly handsome head about that. I’ve already had Janet provide suitable attire for everyone. You’ll find your clothes in your wardrobe, all set and pressed to go! Now I must be going to see to my floral arrangements!”</em>
</p><p>The flowers <em>were</em> quite impressive, all white roses, lilies and carnations. But nothing compared to the grandiose splendor of Tahani’s mansion. “This place seems big enough to fit half of the neighborhood!” Dean marveled as they stepped inside the grand, marbled foyer, sparkling with light from multiple crystal chandeliers overhead.</p><p>“It seems out of place for such a display of wealth and ego to be celebrated in a place supposedly reserved for the most pious and pure-spirited of humans.”</p><p>“Yeah well, tell that to your own God’s worshipper back home, all their big-ash churches in Rome.”</p><p>“Ah, <em>there </em>are our guests of honor!” It was Michael, coming over to greet them. He, too, was dressed head to toe in white, as were the other guests. “Settling in all right?”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s pretty sweet. I love all the pie shops,” Dean said.</p><p>Castiel asked, “Why are there so many of them?”</p><p>Michael raised his hands and asked back, “Who doesn’t love pie? Is it not the perfect food? It can be savory as well as sweet, served hot or cold—”</p><p>“Or hot <em>and </em>cold, à la mode,” Dean added in, which got a point in agreement from Michael.</p><p>“—and you can put anything in one! Even humans up for torture in a three hundred and fifty degree oven back home,” Michael finished in a low voice and with a menacing chuckle.</p><p>Dean exchanged a quick glance with Castiel, who followed his lead to laugh stiffly in response. </p><p>“Oh, here are our guests of honor!” Tahani fluttered over in her flowing white gown, carrying colorful sashes in her arms. “Now, these are for you,” she said, handing one to Castiel and one to Dean. They both read BEST NEW SOUL MATES IN TOWN. “That way <em>everyone</em> will know we’re here to celebrate <em>you</em> tonight!”</p><p>“Tahani, I imagine that is quite evident, considering it said as much on your invitations,” Michael said. “And Castiel and Dean are the <em>only</em> new people to enter the neighborhood since you all arrived here months ago.”</p><p>She pouted. “Yes, well, that may be. But...I thought it was only <em>proper</em>!”</p><p>Castiel studied the sash, not sure what he was supposed to do with it. He allowed Dean to help put it on him after donning his own, studied it again, and said, “This is very thoughtful. Thank you.”</p><p>“Oh, you are so welcome! Now please, come in, mingle, and enjoy some delicious food and drink! Michael, I asked Chidi to say a few words of welcome later on...”</p><p>“How splendid.” Michael leaned in to whisper in Castiel’s ear, “Be prepared for a novel drier than the Sahara,” all the while maintaining an innocent smile for Tahani’s sake.</p><p>“And for the grand finale, there’s a piñata full of Godiva white chocolates and diamond party favors at the end of the night. I made it myself, shaped like a beautiful, happy honey bee as I hear they are quite a favorite of yours.”</p><p>“I do love bees,” Castiel confirmed. Dean rolled his eyes. </p><p>“Well, that will be in the gardens outside, right before the fireworks, so don’t miss out!”</p><p>“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Dean told her.</p><p>She rushed off and Michael said, “I’ll check in with you guys later. Because she’s right...” He winked, his expression full of menace, “you’re not going to want to miss the fun later on!” </p><p>As Michael departed, Dean shook himself a little, straightened his tie and sash. “That dude can turn on the evil like a light switch, have you noticed?” </p><p>“Because he’s a demon. Don’t forget that.”</p><p>“Oh I won’t. But right now I’m gonna hit up the food buffet. Can I grab you anything?”</p><p>“No, I’m going to—as Tahani suggested—mingle.”</p><p>Dean patted him on the shoulder. “Good idea. Try not to freak out the locals too much.”</p><p>Dean wandered off, leaving Castiel to take in the over-the-top surroundings. The hunter had been correct in his observation that the excesses of Tahani’s grand estate were not unlike those of the wealthy kings and nobles of the past; men who thought they could buy their way into Heaven by building ever bigger and ever more elaborate chapels and churches. Some had sought true repentance and love for God and earned their eternal reward, but many had ended up in Hell, brought down by their greed and crimes against others.</p><p>Tahani didn’t seem like one of those explicitly immoral ones, not that Castiel could tell so far. Egotistical, for certain. But what had she done in her lifetime that had been so abhorrent that she should be getting set up for torture by demons in a “fake Heaven” like this? </p><p>Castiel was confused. And he must have been standing there in a state looking as such for some time as he heard a voice ask him, “Hey, buddy, you okay? You’re looking a little lost—not that hard to do in Tahani’s mansion.”</p><p>Castiel looked down and saw a petite blonde woman at his side. She wore a white summer dress and had a giant margarita glass almost the size of her head in one hand, and a plate loaded with cocktail shrimp in the other. “I was lost in thought for a moment, yes,” he confessed.</p><p>“My soul mate Chidi gets like that all the time. It usually ends with him moaning and complaining of heartburn. Anyway, you must be either Castiel or Dean, Mr. ‘Best New Soul Mates in Town’.”</p><p>“I am Castiel.”</p><p>“Nice to meet you. I’m Eleanor.”</p><p>Castiel nodded his head in greeting, since her hands were too full to shake. “Pleased to meet you, Eleanor.”</p><p>“I saw your partner loading up at the dessert table but didn’t get a chance to say howdy to him yet. I gotta say, you lucked out in the soul mate department. Talk about a hunka hunka burning man-meat.”</p><p>Castiel was aware that Dean’s physical appearance was seen as quite desirable to other humans of many various sexual orientations. But it was something far deeper that motivated his own interest and devotion to the man. “Dean Winchester has the most unique and brilliant soul I have ever encountered in my many years of existence.”</p><p>“Mmm, I bet he does.” Eleanor somehow managed to scoop a shrimp up into her mouth by the tail without putting down either her margarita or her plate. She swallowed it whole and then said, looking a little embarrassed. “Oh, and sorry about the burning remark. I hear there’s a lot of that in The Bad Place. Where you guys were. Can I ask...how bad <em>was</em> it?”</p><p>“Indescribable. An agony that will eventually destroy even the strongest mortal’s spirit. The only question is how long it will take.”</p><p>“Huh. Huh.” She looked upset but tried to hide it as Dean came back, grinning like a kid who had robbed the candy shop. His plate was overflowing with at least a half-dozen different types of pie and a mountain of whipped cream.</p><p>“Dude, you gotta get some of this. That chocolate cream pie is almost better than sex. Oh, hey,” he said, noticing their new companion.</p><p>“Hey. I’m Eleanor. So we were talking about The Bad Place, but I’d definitely rather be talking about sex and chocolate.”</p><p>“You ’n me both, sister,” Dean agreed, popping a cream puff in his mouth and then giving her a wink. “Hey, wanna grab a table somewhere to chow down before we gotta listen to speeches and stuff?”</p><p>“Yes, please. And you’re gonna want to get yourself a stiff one before having to sit through one of Chidi’s speeches. I had to listen to him debate between three different ones <em>all day </em>today. Last I talked to him he still couldn’t decide which one was the best, so he was going to read all three tonight.”</p><p>“Fork,” Dean said. “Cas, why don’t you grab us a six pack from the bar? And a bottle of Jack.”</p><p>“I will also bring you more shrimp,” Castiel said to Eleanor, sensing her deep and near insatiable hunger for them.</p><p>She looked back and forth between the two of them for a moment. “Okay, I know I have my own soul mate, but can I just...move in with you two? Please? Because I think I’m in love.”</p>
<hr/><p>“Thank you, everyone, thank you,” Chidi Anagonye said over the dutifully polite applause that met the end of his second speech. “Now, if you’ll indulge me for a <em>few minutes </em>longer, I have a few other thoughts to share that didn’t fit my other two welcoming commentaries. Just a little Kierkegaard on the three spheres of existence, as you, our new residents enter this...third plane of <em>your</em> experiences.”</p><p>“Oh my god is he always like this?” Dean grumbled to Eleanor at their guests of honor table, popping open his fourth bottle of beer for the night. </p><p>“Unfortunately, yes. The man will turn himself into a pretzel knot over having to make a final decision. Over <em>anything</em>. You should see him in one of the pie shops in town. He’ll swear it’ll take him no more than a minute to choose a slice, and a half hour later he’ll be staggering out on the street in tears, and with too much of a stomach ache to end up eating anything.”</p><p>Dean scoffed. “Nerdy college types. Sounds like my brother, Sam.”</p><p>“Is your brother as cute as you?”</p><p>“I don’t know, what do you think, Cas?” Dean asked.</p><p>Castiel looked at him, puzzled by the question. “It is my understanding he is quite attractive, yes.” He had not been paying a great deal to either Chidi’s droning words nor Dean and Eleanor’s progressively inebriated states of being. Instead he had been busy cataloging the various types of demons all around them, as it seemed the entire neighborhood had gathered here tonight for the party. There were fire creatures and grotesque beasts, some formed from burning lava rock, others that seemed pulled from the slime and ooze at the murkiest depths of the ocean. They all felt very...old, and powerful, but without the malicious hate the demons in his and Dean’s home universe possessed. These were not once-human souls corrupted by torture until driven to do the same to others. These were instead ancient beings who simply viewed humans as playthings, fun to torture, like a cat might play with a mouse.</p><p>Before biting its head off and snacking on its innards.</p><p>Chidi had barely—and perhaps fortunately—gotten through the first opening sentences of his third speech when an ear-shattering scream echoed through the high-ceilinged mansion. Soon there were more screams, and the sound of broken glass as party-goers who had been lingering outside (to get away from Chidi’s droning words) rushed into the main ballroom.</p><p>Dean went immediately on high alert at the sound of the first scream, hunter instincts and training taking over. He stood up, Castiel jumping to his feet right beside him. A figure came rushing by and Castiel halted her, demanding, “What’s going on?” </p><p>“Outside, in the garden!” the lava demon in a middle-aged, Causasian woman’s skin suit told him. “The piñata has come to life! It’s turned into a giant bee, and is trying to sting Tahani!”</p><p>“Oh fork,” Eleanor groaned, then took a big gulp of her margarita before getting up. “This I gotta see.”</p><p>“Dean!” Castiel called after the hunter who was running against the rush of everyone trying to escape and toward danger. Of course. And Castiel had no choice but to follow.</p><p>When they entered the garden, everything was in utter chaos. White streamers were torn to shreds, balloons popped, and a giant creature like a cartoonish angry bumble bee buzzed over those trapped amidst overturned tables and chairs.</p><p>In the middle of it all was Tahani, cowering beneath the remains of a flower-covered trellis. </p><p>“You go to Tahani,” Dean said to Castiel, grabbing a broken table leg to use as a weapon. “I’ll bust this piñata wide open.”</p><p>“Be careful,” Castiel said. Then he focused on the terrified Tahani, in his peripheral vision keeping an eye on Dean who was distracting the giant bee. He made his way through the clutter and then came to her, saying, “Come with me.”</p><p>“I...I don’t know <em>how </em>this could have happened! Your poor party! <em>My</em> poor party. My poor Italian gardens!” she sobbed.</p><p>“It will be alright.” Castiel tried to usher her to safety, in the chaos unfurling one wing to provide an invisible (to the human eye) shield against the monstrous creature. Dean was taunting it, keeping it occupied by darting in and out around the marble statues, throwing the occasional swing its way. He kept it up until the others were all safe in the entryway to the mansion ballroom, where Eleanor and now Michael were watching, both of their expressions a mixture of awe and horror. </p><p>Michael wore a small smirk of satisfaction which only Castiel seemed to notice.</p><p>Dean ducked behind a Venus statue as the bee made a striking dive at him, and Castiel was about to enter the fray. But then Dean swung the splintered table leg around and landed a heavy blow right to the bee’s abdomen. With a piercing screech the bee exploded—but instead of showering Dean in candy and party favors, it splattered him with a shower of blue goo. The explosion was so violent that some of the goo landed even on Castiel, Eleanor and Tahani where they stood, many meters away.</p><p>“Good golly!” Michael exclaimed. “<em>That</em> sure was unexpected.”</p><p>“What a disaster!” Tahani cried. “I’ll <em>never </em>get these stains out.”</p><p>Dean swaggered over to join them, wiping off some goo from the side of his face, then looking down at his soaked shirt and jacket. “And <em>this</em> is why I never wear white, people!” he huffed, breathing heavy but giving Castiel a wide grin of satisfaction.</p><p>You could take the hunter out of the wilds, Castiel supposed, but you could never take that wild joy out of a hunter.</p>
<hr/><p>A half hour under a hot shower and Dean had finally gotten all the goo out of his hair and off his skin. Their white suits were lost causes, however—a shame, as he had thought Cas looked <em>really</em> good in his. </p><p>Good in that way Dean didn’t usually let himself think about too much, because it led him to think about other things.</p><p>Like getting Cas <em>out</em> of his clothes. But in a sexy way.</p><p>Fork. There he was thinking about it again. He set the water temperature on cold to shock his body out of the sudden heat that had started welling up inside of him. </p><p>He dried off and put on a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt he found in the bedroom’s closet—one that felt like it had been comfortably worn-in for years, even though he’d never seen it before. Sort of like this house, in general.</p><p>It wouldn’t be so bad here, Dean thought, if it weren’t for the fact that they were surrounded by demons. And goo-filled piñatas that came to bloodthirsty life, though that had been kind of fun, actually. But he had Cas here, and Cas seemed a little more like his old self even—cut off from their old world, from any “angel radio” in his head, with something else to focus on other than his guilt and the need for penance that had seemed to consume him since everything that had happened with unleashing the Leviathans on Earth.</p><p>Here in a fake Heaven—or “Good Place”, as they called it—in the middle of what was this universe’s Hell, or “Bad Place”. And it didn’t seem terrible compared to the Earth he knew at home. Or even what little he’d experienced of their own Heaven, what with being separated from the people you loved and stuck in nothing but memory loops of your past.</p><p>Maybe he wouldn’t be in a big-all rush to get out of here. At least not until he’d sampled some more of the pie in these parts.</p><p>He stepped out into the living room to find Cas back to his usual attire, staring out blankly into the space before him with his thoughts miles away. Dean coughed softly to announce his presence, then took a seat on the sofa beside him.</p><p><em>What I’d give to know what’s going on in that mind of yours, sometimes,</em> he thought, studying his silent angelic companion. Cas could be frustrating, exasperating, confusing and altogether indecipherable at times. He could be frightening as well—this was, after all, an angel who had dared to become a new God. And yet he could also act with complete selflessness. He had already done so much and risked his life for Sam, for Dean... It filled him with awe, at times, to think of how such a powerful being could deem him and his brother worthy of such sacrifice and loyalty.</p><p>“So what’cha thinking, Cas?” he finally had to ask. “Any new theories or ideas on how we ended up here?”</p><p>“Nothing. While you were in the shower I tried to get some more information from Janet. But I am afraid it only led me to more confusion.”</p><p>“Is that so.”</p><p>“Yes. I am trying to understand what the humans here did that kept them from reaching the real Good Place in this universe. Janet showed me their points system, ranking good and bad actions during a human’s lifetime. One needs an extremely high positive score in order to not be assigned to eternal torture in the Bad Place. Littering, sneezing on a salad bar, calling someone a... ‘Karen’? ... are all severe negative actions here that could lead one to the Bad Place.”</p><p>“Well you gotta admit sneezing on a salad bar is totally gross.”</p><p>“Yes, but...at least in <em>our</em> system, damnation is reserved for those who have killed ruthlessly, committed hateful crimes without remorse, or made explicit deals with demons to sacrifice their souls for Earthly gain. Here...” Cas paused, shaking his head, “I have yet to understand how any but the most extremely pious, almost sainted souls, could avoid eternal suffering.”</p><p>“That sounds like it sucks and all, but maybe it’s not our place to try to point that out or fix. This isn’t our world. In fact we’re supposed to be trying to find our way out of it to fix the messes of our own.”</p><p>“Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry if I became distracted from that objective.”</p><p>“S’ok. You wouldn’t be the Cas I know if you didn’t worry about these things.” Cas looked at him, the intensity of his blue eyes and their curiosity, their questioning, too much for Dean to take for very long. </p><p>Especially when it had been such an exhausting day. Dean sighed and started to get up, saying, “Look, I’m gonna get some sleep. We’ll try to sort this out some more tomorrow morning, okay?”</p><p>“Yes. Good night, Dean.”</p><p>“Night, Cas. Try to get some rest yourself, even if you don’t sleep.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <hr/>
</div><p>Sometimes Castiel wished he had the humans’ capacity for slumber. For angels, sleep only came after death. He could sit in peace, contemplating the simplest things like the movement of microscopic dust particles in the air for hours or the path of a butterfly through a garden. But he was never completely at rest.</p><p>While Dean was lost to his dreams, Castiel decided to do some exploring, to try to get a better sense of this “neighborhood”. He knew Dean was right. This was not their universe, so he should not get wrapped up in trying to decipher its ethical and moral framework when they had one clear mission: to get home safely to their own world.  But he could see if he could find any traces of a rift or portal between worlds, spots emanating unusual energy, or even signs or remnants of a ritual which may have pulled them here. That could keep him occupied most of the night while Dean slumbered on, and there seemed no danger in leaving him alone for a while.</p><p>Castiel was wary of teleporting anywhere, given his last “misfire” and the possibility of leaving Dean stranded here on his own. So, he chose to walk instead, back toward the center of town where they’d first materialized. Nothing was too far in this place, so he was back to where they began in no more than twenty minutes.</p><p>The walk was quiet, and should have been pleasant, but the night sky above him was disconcerting. He could neither recognize nor name any of the stars in the sky above, find no sense of space or location there. The constellations were all wrong. Crickets and cicadas chirped, a natural sound he should find soothing. But he could sense they weren’t right, they weren’t real. He’d noticed the same thing that afternoon about the bees in his garden. They were all simulations of the real thing, not even as genuine as the memory loops experienced by humans in heaven.</p><p>He could feel the presence of the demons in this neighborhood; they didn’t sleep, either. As he passed by their homes he could sense them mostly at rest, but often restless. He walked by one house, peeked in a downstairs window to find a pair of armored lizard demons out of their skin suits, playing beer pong at their kitchen table. At another house, a group of bird-like creatures, looking like a cross between a cassowary and an armadillo, were lounging around a backyard pool, listening to reggae. Cas didn’t linger but headed instead for the deserted main streets of the town, where all the businesses had closed down for the evening.</p><p>“Hey! You there!” a voice called out from an alley to his left side. He turned to find a large, ant-like demon leaning against the doorway of <em>Acts of Piety,</em> smoking a very odiferous joint<em>.</em> “Cassie, is it?” the demon asked. “I’m Ernie.”</p><p>“Castiel,” he corrected. “But you can call me Cas.” He walked over to Ernie, who offered the joint in his direction. “No, but thank you.” </p><p>“S’all good. But F.Y.I., I’ve got a sweet home-grow set up in my basement, if you ever want any.” </p><p>“I will remember that.”</p><p>Ernie raised the joint to his mandibles and took a deep inhale. “Keeping your skin suit on all the time, that’s smart. Michael <em>hates </em>to catch us out of character, but man, after spending all day in that thing I gotta let it hang loose for a while, you know? At least when the humans are all asleep.”</p><p>“I know the feeling.” Castiel stretched out his wings, not sure if the demon-ant would be able to see them but figuring it would be a good gesture to help build trust, if he did. He hoped he could get some information out of Ernie about this place which Janet had not been able to provide.</p><p>Ernie seemed happy to talk, no doubt loosened up by his cannabis. “Yeah, three hundred years in this place already, nice to see a couple new faces. Kinda surprised Shawn agreed to it, though. I guess he seriously doesn’t have a clue, does he? Unless you and Dean are here as undercover agents to spy on Michael’s project.”</p><p>“We...why would you say that?” Castiel asked. He’d almost said “no”, but again, Dean had taught him to always let the other party provide as much information as he offered while revealing as little as possible in return.</p><p>“Dude,” Ernie laughed, though it was broken up by coughing up dank weed smoke. “You have no idea, do you? Fork. All right, here’s the deal. This <em>isn’t</em> Michael’s second attempt at his neighborhood, no matter what bullshirt he’s been feeding the home office in his reports. This is, like, at least attempt two hundred and thirty? Or forty? I dunno man, I’m losing count.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Shawn told Michael he only had one more chance to get it right after forking it up the first time, when Eleanor figured out pretty quick this was The Bad Place after all. Michael swore he could make it work a second time through, pulling off the game for a thousand years, before the humans figured it out again. Only they keep doing so, <em>every time</em>. No matter what new trick Michael tries, whatever he flips around in his script or the situations, whatever new twist like now bringing you guys in, <em>one</em> of those losers <em>always </em>figures it out. Sometimes it takes a few months, but so far it never takes longer than that before one of ’em realizes this place is in fact meant for torture, not eternal happiness. Shawn catches wind of that and Michael’s facing a pretty quick retirement.”</p><p>“I see. So...what do you suggest I do with this information?”</p><p>Ernie shrugged. “Just play along for now. Try to keep the humans guessing. Otherwise...well, talk to Vicky. She’s none too happy with this whole situation and has been organizing some of the demons on the downlow to stage a revolt. Or at least, to get some more interesting and prominent parts in the storyline.”</p><p>“Thanks. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to...have a little more look around.”</p><p>“Enjoy. But hey, you’ve got something like another seven hundred years to learn this place inside and out, unless Michael screws the pooch sooner than that.”</p><p>Castiel nodded and walked off. Seven hundred years? Not if he could help it. Not if he and Dean could find a way out of here long before then.</p>
<hr/><p>Cas shared what he’d learned from Ernie the ant-man with Dean the next morning, over breakfast at <em>Pie in the Sky.</em></p><p>“So Michael’s not exactly on the up-and-up with his bosses,” Dean said between bites of a ham-and-egg pie. “Wonder if he conjured us here as some kind of last-ditch effort to save his skin?”</p><p>“Then you would think he’d have let us in on that from the start. But it’s a possibility to keep in mind.”</p><p>“You discover anything else on your walkabout?”</p><p>“Nothing of real use. Only that everything around us is...not real. Or as it appears. It’s...somewhere between a holographic projection and magic but the insects in the garden aren’t real, the sky, the clouds... Their molecular composition isn’t there the way it should be.”</p><p>“Are you telling me this pie isn’t real either?”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Dean.”</p><p>“That blows. But, still tastes good, so...” He shrugged and shoveled down another big bite.</p><p>Several days passed for them, without making much of any progress in finding a way out of Neighborhood 12358W. They continued exploring, when they were left with free time, to the outer reaches of this neighborhood. On one side it seemed bounded by impossible-to-climb mountains, not far from where their house was located. On the other, a rocky beach, with an ocean that seemed to stretch onward to infinity. </p><p>“What’s beyond there, Cas?” Dean asked as he shielded his eyes from the (fake) sun, squinting into the distance.</p><p>“Near as I can tell, nothing. If we tried to take a boat out, I sense we would only go so far before trapped in a current that would forever loop us right back to the beach.”</p><p>“Huh.”</p><p>Walking along the shoreline, looking for any kind of rift or portal or glitch, they did come across a strange podium-like metallic structure by the water, topped with a big red button.</p><p>“Hey, wonder what this does,” Dean said, bounding toward it.</p><p>“Wait, let’s be cautious,” Castiel warned. “Janet?”</p><p><em>ping!</em> “Hi there! How can I help you?”</p><p>“What is that thing, right there?” Cas asked, pointing to the object as Dean circled it.</p><p>“Oh, that’s my killswitch button.” She smiled. “Press that and it’s good-bye, Janet!”</p><p>“Why would anyone want to kill you?” Dean asked, stepping back in haste. He liked Janet. Cas said she was the only non-demon thing here besides the other humans.</p><p>“In case of malfunction. A malfunctioning Janet can cause all kinds of problems in a neighborhood. But don’t worry, I feel no pain when that happens. And soon a new and rebooted me will appear to replace old glitchy me.”</p><p>“I see. But it operates no interdimensional portals or anything of the sort,” Cas said. </p><p>“No, silly. It just drops me flat like a dead ipad.”</p><p>“Thank you, Janet. That is all.”</p><p>“So much for that,” Dean said after she left. “There’s gotta be <em>something</em> we’re missing.”</p><p>“We’ll have to keep looking until we uncover it.”</p><p>Between explorations, the two experienced more of the torture-disguised-as-bonding-activites that Michael devised for his human subjects. A street fair full of carnival rides and games was no fun at all for the humans when Chidi and Eleanor got stuck upside down on the top of the ferris wheel for hours, and Tahani came in last in every contest, causing her to weep in despair. A scenic afternoon on the lake, complete with swan boats for the soul mate couples to enjoy, turned to mayhem when the swans came to life and started attacking their passengers. A pie-eating contest ended with Jianyu’s face blown up and red, as he was “accidentally” given pie containing mangoes, to which he was allergic.</p><p>Every day it was something else, even some very minor <em>something</em>, off just enough to ruin the humans’ chances for happiness.</p><p>“There’s actually a certain crazy brilliance to Michael’s plan, ya know,” Dean said to Castiel on their seventh night in the neighborhood. They were watching from a safe distance as a backed-up sewer line flooded Main Street with foul sludge, cancelling the planned open-air movie night. “The drawn out misery of slowly being tortured for eons by weird happenings and ruined plans versus fire and brimstone? I’d take it.”</p><p>“Torture is still torture, and I don’t believe any of these humans actually deserve it,” Cas argued. Dean couldn’t object to that point, either.</p><p>But so far this wasn’t all that torturous to Dean, though he worried about his brother back home. How long had they been gone for in “Earth time”, he wondered. Did time run faster, or slower, or the same? They had no way of knowing. And all they could do was keep playing along waiting for something to happen or reveal itself to them as a way out.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <hr/>
</div><p>A few days later, Dean was lounging in their living room, zoning out while spinning <em>Wish You Were Here </em>on the stereo system. There was a knock at their cabin door, and he looked up to see Eleanor waving in through the window. He turned the music down a bit and went to see what she wanted.</p><p>“Hey, Eleanor, what’s happening.”</p><p>“Oh, not much...for once. Was a nice day...I mean, they all start that way here, don’t they? And I decided to take a walk, see how my favorite new soul mates in town are settling in.” Cas and Dean had largely been sticking close to her and the other actual humans during group activities and events, to see what they knew—if anything—about their predicament. It was also safer than hanging around with the demons, and played into their supposed “roles” as new residents meant to worry the other four about what the Bad Place was like.</p><p>She frowned and said, with some concern as she stood in the doorway, “I saw Cas out in the back... He was on the ground talking to the bees, rolling around in lavender plants. Is he okay? Is that...normal?”</p><p>“No, but that’s Cas, so it’s normal for him. Come on in. Can I get you a beer?”</p><p>“Why not, it’s five o’clock somewhere.”</p><p>“That’s the spirit.” He got two bottles out of the fridge, handed her one and settled back on the sofa. “Cheers.”</p><p>“Cheers.” She took a sip, then said, “I guess you’ve gotten a sense of some of the weirdness going on in this place by now.”</p><p>“You mean like killer swan boats and angry piñatas?”</p><p>“Exactly.”</p><p>“Believe it or not, I’ve seen weirder.”</p><p>“Yeah, considering you were in The Bad Place I imagine you did. Michael’s said, well...he’s worried that the reason these things keep happening here is that the neighborhood is out of balance. That maybe two people don’t belong here, since you two actually do.”</p><p>“Hmm. What do you think?”</p><p>“I think...I think he’s probably right. Can I tell you something, Dean? Because I feel like I can trust you with a secret. More than almost anyone else here.”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>“It’s me. I don’t belong. <em>I’m</em> the one causing all the problems here, me and...one other person.”</p><p>“Why do you say that?”</p><p>“Because I’m not who Michael and everyone else seems to think I am! I’m not some great philanthropist, some selfless person who fed the hungry, protested for civil rights, or any of that bullshirt. I was a trash bag scumbag from Arizona! I worked for a sleazy telemarketing company that tried to scam old people over the phone! I liked to drink and party and do everything I could to avoid any responsibility whatsoever. <em>Somehow</em> they have me mixed up with some other Eleanor Shellstrop out there who must have died at the same time I did, so our files got...switched or something. I don’t know. There’s one other person who isn’t at all who he’s supposed to be, but...well, I don’t want to get him in trouble by outing him.”</p><p>“Let me guess, the monk dude? Jianyu?”</p><p>Eleanor’s eyes went wide. “How did you know?”</p><p>“I caught him breakdancing on a side street downtown, when he believed no one was watching. And chowing down on a mini chicken pot pie when I thought he was supposed to be vegetarian.”</p><p>Eleanor sighed. “His real name is Jason Mendoza and he’s an electronica DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.”</p><p>“Ouch.”</p><p>“Look, I just wanted to say, I’m sorry if our being here is somehow making yours and Cas’s time here in The Good Place miserable. But I...I’m scared of telling Michael the truth and then getting sent to...where you guys were at. I’m scared to even tell Chidi because...I actually kind of like that long-winded, pile-of-nerves nerd? But he deserves his own soulmate, his real one. Maybe that’s Tahani if me and Jason aren’t supposed to be here, I don’t know. Anyway.” She sat back and sighed. “I’m sorry to be laying this all on you, but it’s a relief to tell <em>somebody</em>.”</p><p>“It’s alright, Eleanor.” Dean and Eleanor both looked up to see Cas had come in from the garden, his hair tousled and filled with lavender buds. He looked calm, blissful and beautiful, as Dean always thought he did after he’d been out in his element, in nature. Even if it wasn’t <em>real</em> nature, but this artificial one. “I believe you, and Jason, and Chidi and Tahani are all good souls who deserve a proper afterlife. And this is not it.”</p><p>“Cas?” Dean started, getting up from the sofa to approach the angel.</p><p>“We should tell her. About us, what we know,” Cas said softly to Dean. “Tell the others, too.”</p><p>“Are you sure? From what we understand, if Michael knows that she or any of the others know, then he’ll reset the neighborhood, start everyone in another loop from day one.”</p><p>“And maybe that’s what we need to make happen, in order to get out of here. Maybe a reboot would...kick start us back to our own universe.”</p><p>“Possibly. Or it could possibly further disconnect us from where we belong, make it impossible to ever get back home,” Dean argued.</p><p>“Hello, I’m still over here,” Eleanor put in with a wave. “Hearing you talk about me without knowing what’s up. Kind of concerning.”</p><p>Dean nodded at Cas, saying, “You know what? Maybe you’re right, since we’re not making any real progress on our own. Time to rally the troops.” Dean went back to sit next to Eleanor. “Sorry about that. Listen, this is gonna sound...well, I guess crazy is relative around here. But I think you need to know the truth about this place. At least as far as we’ve been able to figure it out.”</p><p>“Do I need something stronger than this beer first?”</p><p>“If you want.”</p><p>“Hold on. Janet?”</p><p><em>ping!</em> “Hi there!”</p><p>“Give us a pitcher of frozen margaritas and then scram.”</p><p>“Okay.” A tray appeared with the requested drink and salt-rimmed glasses. “Good-bye!”</p><p>Eleanor poured herself one, drank about half of it in one gulp, and then sat back. “All right, now I’m ready. Spill.”</p><p>“You were saying how you’re afraid you don’t really belong here,” Dean began. “Well, I guess the good news is that, in a sense you do. But only because this isn’t The Good Place after all. It’s...actually The Bad Place.”</p><p>She slammed her fist into the sofa cushions. “Forking <em>here</em> I knew it! I <em>knew</em> there was something wrong about this stupid place! But...what’s the point of making me think that I’m somewhere else?”</p><p>“It’s an experiment. Michael’s experiment, to find a new way to torture humans beyond extreme physical pain and abuse,” Cas explained. “He wanted to see how long he could get humans to torture each other instead, by putting together what he believed to be a perfect group of personalities destined to clash.”</p><p>“So that’s why everyone’s so weird here?”</p><p>“Not exactly,” Dean said. “You, Chidi, Tahani and Jason are the only humans actually here. The rest are all...demons assigned to your torture.”</p><p>“Wow. That’s a lot of demon-power to expend on four dirtbag humans.”</p><p>“It’s apparently a major endeavor. Michael’s entire future is staked on being able to pull off this experiment for a thousand years without you figuring it out,” Cas said. “Problem is apparently you do, on your own, again and again. So he keeps restarting the experiment and lying to his superiors to keep it going—and save his own skin. Which is actually the skin of a giant fiery squid demon.” Dean and Eleanor both looked at Cas in horror. Cas shrugged. “I can see beneath their human disguises, but fortunately they cannot see through mine, or each other’s, or they’d know Dean is an ordinary human like you.”</p><p>“And what are you? Another demon?”</p><p>“No, Cas here is an angel,” Dean said, beaming a little bit. It was always fun to see someone react to that information.</p><p>Eleanor looked back and forth between them, then finished off the rest of her margarita. “Wait, wait, an angel?! But...I thought Heaven, Here, all that...I thought we got it all wrong!”</p><p>“In <em>this</em> universe. But we’re from somewhere else. By accident. Or by my angel-buddy Cas’s faulty GPS.”</p><p>“Maybe it would be best to gather the other humans and explain this all at once,” Cas said. </p><p>“You’re right,” Eleanor agreed. “Don’t go anywhere—and keep those margaritas frosty.”</p>
<hr/><p>“Wait, so, let me see if I understand this,” Chidi said slowly, looking around at those gathered in Dean and Cas’s house. “You’re a demon-hunter from another dimension. We’re actually all in the Bad Place. Those of us here are the only actual human souls in this neighborhood. Everyone else is a demon, except for <em>this </em>guy—” Chidi pointed at Castiel, “–who is an angel?”</p><p>“That is correct,” Castiel said.</p><p>“Oh, my stomach hurts. I...I need to lay down.”</p><p>“C’mon, focus, Chidi. Focus!” Eleanor pleaded with him. “This isn’t time for one of your anxiety-induced panic attacks.”</p><p>“Hold on.” Castiel walked over to Chidi and placed his hand on the man’s forehead. He sent a quick burst of healing, calming energy to him, and could feel the tension instantly melt from his body. “Better?”</p><p>“Um...yes. Thank you!”</p><p>“Wow, you must really be an angel,” Jason said, wide-eyed in wonder. “Do you have wings?”</p><p>Castiel nodded. “In my true form.”</p><p>“Cool. Can I see them?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Aw, man!”</p><p>“Eleanor’s right, let’s focus!” Dean said, clearly growing frustrated by everyone. “Cas and I could be here all day trying to explain things or we could start making some plans to get <em>out</em> of here, if possible. ’Cause we want to get back to our world, and I assume you guys would like to get out of this fake-Heaven-that’s-really-Here. You know. H-E-double-hockey-sticks.”</p><p>“Yes, please!” Tahani said. “I can’t believe I’ve been wasting all my skills and talents trying to entertain and impress <em>demons!</em>”</p><p>“But...how do we get out of here?” Chidi asked. “You say you can’t figure out how to re-open the rift or do whatever got you here to begin with. And the only way in and out of this neighborhood seems to be by train...”</p><p>“...which, from what Michael and Janet have said, only goes to ‘the Bad Place. And I assume they mean the <em>real Bad,</em> Bad Place,” Eleanor added.</p><p>“I’ve asked Janet for more information but she says her knowledge of The Bad Place is restricted,” Castiel said.</p><p>“But I imagine Michael’s got a lot more answers. Maybe it’s time we take a little direct action, try to get it out of him the hard way,” Dean said, rubbing his hands together, looking antsy for a fight.</p><p>“No,” Castiel objected. “If all he has to do is snap his fingers and he resets at least all the human souls, we should avoid that. For now, if there are any other options. But if the rest of you could provide a distraction, even if only for a few minutes, I might be able to learn more in his office. He must have some information there which would be of use.”</p><p>“Distraction. That should be no problem,” Eleanor said. “Tahani, why don’t you organize another party for tonight.”</p><p>“Tonight? Why I’d scarcely have the time! And what are we celebrating?”</p><p>“We’ll be celebrating...Michael,” Eleanor decided, “since he is our Architect, for all the hard work he’s done building our neighborhood. And that will ensure he’s there for the party, no matter what.”</p><p>“Well, I’m sure I can throw something together,” Tahani sighed, “even if it’s as meager and rushed as the bachelorette party I threw for Geri Halliwell when she got engaged to—”</p><p>“No one cares, Tahani,” Eleanor interrupted.</p><p>“Right. Sorry.”</p><p>“Do I need to make a speech?” Chidi asked, to which they all answered “NO!” in unison.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <hr/>
</div><p>Evening came and they reassembled at Tahani’s mansion for the party, sipping on champagne and munching on trays of perfect little hors d'oeuvres. “I gotta say, Tahani can throw an impressive shindig, even on short notice,” Dean observed.</p><p>“Give that sexy giraffe a challenge to her reputation and she will absolutely rise to the occasion.” Eleanor caught their guest of honor’s eye from across the ballroom, where Tahani was draping him with a “BEST ARCHITECT” sash, and raised her champagne flute in salute. They had managed to assemble most of the neighborhood residents together for this impromptu “thank you” party for Michael, and the guest of honor seemed none the wiser for their true intentions. Indeed, he was soaking up the attention even after bemoaning, that afternoon, that he did not deserve <em>any</em> recognition, what with so many mishaps still befalling their little community.</p><p><em>“Oh but Michael, we feel this little pick-me-up will be precisely what you need!,” </em>Tahani had told him when she and Eleanor stopped by his office to deliver the invitation. <em>“A small distraction while you try to solve the mystery of who—if any of us, of course—don’t belong in your little slice of the Good Place.”</em></p><p><em>“You are so thoughtful, Tahani. Thank you,” </em>Michael had complimented her.</p><p><em>“Well,” </em>she’d laughed nervously, <em>“this is the Good Place, is it not? Only for the best people? I mean, how could it be anything but?”</em></p><p>“Do you think Cas is going to find anything useful?” Eleanor asked Dean. </p><p>“I have faith. In Castiel, if in nothing or no one else right about now. If there’s something to be found in Michael’s office, in his files, he’ll be able to dig it up.” He smiled at Eleanor and took a sip of his drink. “I taught him everything he knows about snooping around. That, and he can devour a few thousand pages of information in a blink of an eye. Angel...magic. Don’t ask me.”</p><p>“Must be nice having an angel on your side.”</p><p>Dean shrugged. “When he has been. We haven’t always seen eye to eye. But if not for Cas, I’d still be burning down in our version of the  Bad Place. He was the one who saved me.”</p><p>“You sure about that?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>She shrugged. “I mean...I may not have known you two for very long, but with the way Mr. Sultry-Blue-Eyes-Deep-as-the-Ocean looks at you, sometimes? I’d’ve thought <em>you </em>were the one who saved <em>him</em>.” Dean looked at her, puzzled, but had no chance to ask for an explanation as Michael was approaching. </p><p>“Hey guys, what a nice party, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Only the best for you, Michael,” Eleanor said with a smile.</p><p>“Say, I’ve seen Chidi agonizing over the build-your-own burrito station, but where’s Castiel?”</p><p>“Oh, he’s on his way,” Dean assured Michael. “He...couldn’t decide on what to wear.”</p><p>“I am here now.” Dean jumped at Cas’s voice behind him. </p><p>“Looks like that was a tough decision,” Eleanor observed. Castiel was wearing his standard suit and trenchcoat.</p><p>“I decided to remain in what I am most comfortable wearing,” Cas said. “Was this a mistake?”</p><p>“Of course not, enjoy the party!” Michael enthused. “<em>My </em>party, that is.”</p><p>“Excuse me, I’m going to get some more champagne,” Eleanor said, slipping away. She didn’t seem comfortable being close to Michael now that she knew what he was up to. What he was.</p><p>“I might not even have any monsters or mayhem show up to ruin the evening,” Michael said to Cas and Dean, observing the crowd. “What do you think?”</p><p>“Keep them off balance, good idea,” Dean agreed. “Misery everyday makes it almost seem...ordinary.”</p><p>“You’re right. A little happiness now and then makes the torture so much more deilicious. Excuse me but I’m going to hit up some of those miniature pizzas. They’re so delightful! Such big flavor in such a tiny package!”</p><p>Michael wandered off and Dean turned to Cas. “That was quick. Did you get in his office?”</p><p>“Yes, it wasn’t even locked. I can work very quickly on my own, a few minutes was all I needed. And I think I have a plan. Something that could help not just us but the four humans.”</p><p>“Wow, that’s great, Cas! We can gather them all up after the party to discuss. Right now, I’m gonna get me some of those mini-pizzas.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <hr/>
</div><p>Late into the night and with the party over, the humans and angel were gathered in Jason’s secret bud-hole to listen to Castiel’s findings.</p><p>Cas began, “Now, it took me some time to decipher the demonic script used in Michael’s file system as it is a slight variant on the demonic language of our home universe—”</p><p>“—as in what, it took you five minutes?” Dean asked sarcastically. </p><p>“Two minutes and twenty seven seconds, actually,” Cas corrected. Dean smirked at Eleanor. “His notes on previous neighborhood reboots are all kept in an auditory journal, so I chose to focus instead on the general information we could use. Operating manuals, codes of conduct for Architects... In particular, maps and information on how to access any location outside of Neighborhood 12358W.”</p><p>Castiel drew a small circle on the whiteboard he’d asked Janet to provide for him. “This is where we are located. Disconnected from everything except via the Trans Eternal Railway. That train only operates on one line between here and Bad Place Headquarters, with a single side stop at somewhere called ‘The Medium Place’.”</p><p>“Is that like Purgatory?” Dean asked. </p><p>“Not really. And there is only one resident there who does not appear useful to us.” Cas drew a much larger circle connected to their smaller one by the train, with several spokes shooting out from it. “From this location, the headquarters, there are connections to other neighborhoods, but they are all are meant for torture. Everything here is part of the Bad Place realm. However, in the center of the headquarters, where the Architects like Michael work, is at least one portal.” Castiel drew a dark spot in the center of the big circle, then a line shooting upwards from it. “This portal will connect you to a pocket dimension known as ‘The Neutral Zone’, where the Judge—or Judges, I’m not entirely clear from my reading—resides. And that is the only way to then access either The Good Place—” Castiel drew a sideways arrow connected to a smiley face, “as well as a doorway that leads to Earth.” He illustrated the latter with a round, blue sphere connected by an opposing arrow.</p><p>“Hey, I’ll take either one, man, I’m not fussy at this point,” Eleanor said.</p><p>“It may be up to the Judge to decide what happens,” Castiel said, “but at least if we get that far, there is a chance to perhaps plead your cases for mercy. And if the Judge is as powerful as my reading suggests, they may be able to send Dean and I back to our own version of Earth.” The Judge seemed to be the equivalent of a high God in this universe, so Castiel imagined the possibility of them having the ability to operate across dimensions. </p><p>“It’s a bit of a gamble, but I’m in,” Dean said. </p><p>“I am too, but...it’s this part I’m worried about.” Chidi stood up and went to the white board, carefully stepping between empty pizza boxes and Doritos bags. He picked up a red dry erase marker to circle Bad Place Headquarters several times. “How exactly are we all going to walk in there and not be noticed? I know these demons think you guys are two of them, but I’m <em>pretty sure</em> we’ll be pegged as Michael’s humans, if his experiment is as noteworthy as it supposedly is.”</p><p>“There is a way that you will not have to be seen—because as far as they will know, only myself and Dean will be there.” Castiel looked to Dean, to see if he understood the suggestion. Dean’s widening, then narrowed eyes, confirmed that he very quickly did.</p><p>“They can piggy-back on me,” Dean said. </p><p>“On <em>us</em>. If the ritual will work at all in this universe.”</p><p>“Ritual? What kind of ritual?” Tahani asked. “And what must I wear for it?”</p><p>“A soul absorption ritual.” Dean looked around to make sure he had all the humans’ attention. “I can carry a soul out of an Afterlife dimension into another plane of existence. I’ve done it before, bringing a friend out of Purgatory. Stings a bit and feels kinda weird, but otherwise, no biggie.”</p><p>“We can split it—two in me, two in you,” Castiel said. “That way the burden is not so great.”</p><p>“No offence, Cas, but the last time you absorbed any souls? Didn’t go too well. I can handle all four of you guys, no problem.”</p><p>“Are you sure, Dean?”</p><p>“As sure as I can be about anything right now. And if it’s the only way we see to possibly get back home, it’s worth a shot. Right, guys?”</p><p>“I’m in,” Eleanor said.</p><p>“Me too!” Jason exclaimed. “Sounds cool. I’ve never done a ritual before. At least one that didn’t involve ecstasy, glitter and waking up the next morning in the dumpster behind an 80s dance club.”</p><p>“I...suppose if we have no other choice, no other way to explain to someone how I—<em>we—</em>don’t belong in this place,” Tahani agreed, without tremendous enthusiasm.</p><p>“I...guess I’m in too,” Chidi sighed. </p><p>Dean nodded. “Then it’s settled. As long as the ritual works. I say we give it a try in the morning.”</p><p>“There will be one last step we need to gain access to the portal as well,” Castiel said, recalling one other thing he remembered from his reading through the files. “We’ll need some kind of ‘Senior Staff Pin’ that only higher level Architects possess. Michael does not seem to have one, yet, but his supervisor would.”</p><p>“Shouldn’t be that hard once we’re in and as long as we can pass,” Dean said. </p><p>“We can hope. There are many things that we may not understand about this place until we get there.” Castiel pointed to the headquarters.</p><p>Dean shrugged. “Story of my life, man. Story of my life.”</p>
<hr/><p>Early the next morning, as the (fake) sun was rising, everyone gathered at Dean and Castiel’s house.</p><p>“Right, let’s get to it, see if this will even work. Who wants to go first?” Dean asked, rolling up his right jacket sleeve.</p><p>“Me me me!” Jason bounced forward. “What do I have to do?”</p><p>Dean pulled out one of his hunting knives. Everyone gasped and Jason took a step back. “Um, maybe someone else would like to go first?” Jason said.</p><p>“A small cut to the arm compared to an eternity of being sliced to pieces, over and over again. What’re you going to choose?” Dean prompted.</p><p>“Whimps.” Eleanor stepped forward and held out her arm. She looked Dean square in the eye and said. “Do me your worst, hot stuff.”</p><p>“Right. Here we go.” First he ran the blade across his forearm—making his the first fresh blood upon the blade. Then he grasped Eleanor’s wrist to hold her in place, drew the blade across her skin. She whimpered as blood began to seep out but she did not flinch away, and Dean began reciting the incantation, pressing their wounds together.</p><p><em>“Conjuncti sumus, unum sumus.” We are united, we are one. C’mon, baby, work! </em>he prayed. Much to his relief a glow began to light up where they were joined, a fire that spread as Eleanor gasped, her form suddenly dissolving into the fire before becoming absorbed into Dean’s arm.</p><p>“Whoa, cool!” Jason exclaimed, while Chidi and Tahani looked horrified.</p><p>“Quick, next!” Dean grabbed Jason’s wrist, “before the wound closes!” He went back to the chant as he sliced into Jason’s arm, then pressed them together. The fire began anew, another rush and he had to flinch against the pain, the strangeness of now not one but <em>two </em>souls existing inside of him. Could he really handle four?</p><p>He could feel Castiel breathing down his neck with worry but that only pushed him to keep up the ritual chant, grab Tahani as soon as Jason had merged with him. “Actually I’m not sure now that I—oooh!” she cried as the blade pierced her skin, and he could feel her trying to pull away—at least until Castiel grabbed her shoulders to hold her in place. He restrained her until she, too, dissolved into a swirling, glowing fire and disappeared up Dean’s now bulging forearm.</p><p>Dean could feel the sweat dripping off his skin, his body screaming out at the stress. Castiel looked ready to say something but Dean turned to Chidi, saw both fear and a surprising, encouraging determination there.</p><p>“Where Eleanor goes, I go," he said. Dean made his last incision, into the man’s arm.</p><p>
  <em>“Conjuncti sumus, unum sumus.”</em>
</p><p>“Oh no oh no oh no,” Chidi started to cry out as soul fire shot up his arm, dissolving him into a flame that spiraled right into Dean’s waiting limb. Dean drew in a deep breath, staggered back, and then lost his balance, falling forward right into Cas’s waiting arms.</p><p>“Dean, are you sure you’re alright with this. That it’s not too much.”</p><p>“I’m perfectly...<em>peachy</em>,” he managed. The cut had healed already, the throbbing in his arm subsiding as the four souls travelled however souls did throughout his body. “Give me a couple minutes to pull myself together. And then we head to Michael’s office, get this show on the road.” He looked seriously at Cas. “We don’t have time to waste. Not now that we’ve gone this far.”</p><p>“You’re right. Let’s hope this works.”</p>
<hr/><p>Michael looked up from his paperwork. “Castiel, Dean, can I help you? Is everything going well? You both look rather stressed. Can I offer you some chamomile-flavored antimatter?”</p><p>“Sounds lovely, no thank you. We need you to summon a train to headquarters for us,” Castiel said. “Immediately.”</p><p>“A train, but why? You only got here a few days ago!”</p><p>“Family trouble,” Dean said. “It’s my only brother, Sam, he’s...in danger of retirement.”</p><p>“Oh, no, that’s terrible! I’d be out of sorts about that, too. What did he do to deserve that?”</p><p>“He put matter in the antimatter brew-pot,” Castiel said. “It was...very messy. Or so we’re told. Not everyone survived. Practical joke gone terribly wrong.”</p><p>Dean nodded. “Quite a mess.”</p><p>“My goodness. That is a pretty serious offense,” Michael commented.</p><p>“Yeah, they, ah...he asked me to come back for the trial as a character witness. Cas, too, since they worked on some design projects together. Back in the day.”</p><p>“I’m surprised I didn’t get notice of this directly,” Michael said, drumming his fingers on his desk.</p><p>“They’re trying to keep it quiet, you know,” Dean explained. “Doesn’t look good for anyone. Don’t worry, as soon as the trial is over we’ll get right back to work on the torture here. Just...tell everyone we went on a nature quest or something. Cas wandered off following his bees and I had to go find him. Whatever works for you.”</p><p>“Well, I can see you're both quite upset about this so I won’t say no. I’ll call up the train and one should be here within the hour.”</p><p>“Thanks, boss,” Dean said. “Owe you big time. We’ll be sure to put in a good word for the work you’re doing here.”</p><p>“Hey, I appreciate that! And best of luck with your brother.”</p><p>They nodded and departed, exchanging a quick glance and sigh of relief once out of the office.</p><p>“First steps down,” Dean said in a hushed tone.</p><p>“But the hardest to go.”</p><p>“Always is that way. I try not to think about it too much.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <hr/>
</div><p>“Sure hope this is suitable demon business attire.” Dean straightened his tie, then reached over to fix Castiel’s, making sure it was tied in the proper direction. They were ready and waiting at the station when the train showed up, driven by a Janet who was quite a bit different from their own. “What up, dirtbags?” she asked, not looking at them and playing on her phone.</p><p>“We need to go to Bad Place Headquarters,” Castiel said.</p><p>“No duh, that’s why I’m here, idiot. Get on, I got things to do, humans to stomp.”</p><p>“You ready for this?” Dean asked Cas.</p><p>“Are <em>you</em>?”</p><p>“Yeah, the sooner I get these souls out of me the better I’ll feel.”</p><p>The ride was slow, and hot, and smelled terrible. The rude Janet liked to fart a lot. They soon descended into complete darkness after passing the edge of Michael’s neighborhood. Time lost all meaning in the darkness, time and direction. This Janet ignored them in favor of her phone, playing obnoxious dance music loudly through her ear buds. Dean leaned his head against Castiel’s shoulder and yawned, the weight of four hitchhiking souls weighing him down.</p><p>“You sure you are okay,” Castiel asked for surely the tenth time at least.</p><p>“Mm hmm. Boring ride, that’s all,” Dean said. </p><p>“Rest now, while you can. I will awaken you when we arrive.” </p><p>Dean felt something like a soft, cooling blanket falling over him. If he’d had vision sensitive to such things, he would have been able to see Castiel cloaking him with one of his wings, keeping out the heat and suffocating air. But he drifted off on this wave of comfort as Castiel stayed at high alert, ready for whatever would come at or for them next.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <hr/>
</div><p>The train came to a screeching halt in a bustling station and the Bad Janet announced, “Everyone off, bucketheads. I’ve got a nail appointment in twenty. And by nail I mean, nailing some human scum to the wall like pieces of rotten plywood.”</p><p>“Have fun,” Dean told her as they stepped off the train. “Right, so...where to now?” he asked. </p><p>Castiel took a quick look around. “Before we head to the portal we need those pins to grant us the ability to use it.” He saw a directional sign that said “Administrative offices” and pointed to it. “I believe this is the way we should go.”</p><p>“All right. I’m ready for a scrap with a demon. Beat a pair up, grab their pins, and boogie on out.”</p><p>“You sure?”</p><p>“Yeah man, I’m good.” Dean bounced a bit foot to foot, as if needing to get the blood flowing again after sitting too long. “I was feeling woozy before but now I’m pumped up, what with all these souls inside me. No wonder you started to think you could be God.”</p><p>“Please concentrate on matters at hand.” Castiel led them towards the “up” escalators indicated by the signage, then down a long corridor, and finally to an elevator with seemingly a hundred floors to choose from—the highest being the administrative offices.</p><p>They were alone in the lift for most of the ride. “Let’s see, I got my gun, holy water, my favorite knife dipped in some rock salt thanks to Eleanor’s margaritas, and a syringe of dead man’s blood if we need it,” Dean said, checking his pockets. “What weapons do you have?”</p><p>“Besides my angel blade? Myself.”</p><p>“Oh, right. Yeah, we should be set. We just need two pins and—whoa.”</p><p>The elevator doors opened and in a few steps they were looking down at a cavernous office pool, filled with bustling desk workers.</p><p>“All demons, right?” Dean said under his breath.</p><p>“All demons,” Castiel confirmed. “And that must be the portal.”</p><p>The swirl of blue light emanated from beyond a vault-like door, left wide open at the end of the room. No one seemed to pay it much attention.</p><p>“This way,” Castiel urged, nudging Dean to keep moving. There was a directory board on the wall which the angel walked toward, in order to look for the right office. Everything was written in that same demonic script from Michael’s files, but he soon identified the name “Shawn” and an office number. “Okay, let’s go.”</p><p>“Coming,” Dean answered, keeping up the pace until he momentarily stopped to clutch his stomach, wincing in pain.</p><p>“Dean!”</p><p>“Sorry, blame...Chidi. He’s freaking out.”</p><p>“Well, tell him to <em>un-</em>freak out, and fast. We have work to do.”</p><p>Dean nodded, took a deep breath and punched himself in the stomach. That seemed to do the trick. No one paid them any mind as they walked along, blending in with the other suit-wearing demons all going busily about their day’s tasks. </p><p>They soon found Shawn’s office. Castiel put his hand to the door, and confirmed, “He’s inside. There are two demons in there.”</p><p>“Bully for us. Hopefully that means they’re both high enough up to have the pins we need. You know what they look like?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Dean whipped out his knife. “Then let’s roll.”</p><p>Castiel didn’t bother knocking. He simply barged in, hoping the element of surprise would give them the advantage. A demon in a grey-haired male’s skin suit frowned sourly at them from behind his desk while a demon in a older woman’s suit jumped back, exclaiming, “<em>Excuse</em> me, this is a private meeting!”</p><p>“Not anymore, bitch.” Dean stabbed her square in the chest with his salted knife and doused her with a splash of holy water, while Castiel stormed at the male demon he assumed was Shawn. He laid his hand on Shawn’s forehead and summoned his celestial strength as Shawn reached out for Castiel’s tie, muttering, “What in the—”</p><p>
  <strong> <em>SPLAT</em> </strong>
</p><p>Castiel blinked, looked around. He, Dean, and the walls were covered in blue goo, not unlike what had come from the killer bee piñata back in the fake Good Place. And the two senior demons were nowhere to be seen.</p><p>“I...did we kill them? That easy?” Dean asked, wiping goo off his brow.</p><p>“I don’t think they’re dead,” Castiel replied, sensing life energy of some kind still within the goo, “but I’d say we don’t wait around to find out. Look—” He bent down and found a lapel pin in the midst of a large gooey puddle. It was simple grey metal with a thumbs-down symbol on it. “The pin. I have one. Check what’s left of your demon.”</p><p>“Oh yeah, baby, right here!” Dean grabbed one up off the floor, grinning like mad.</p><p>“Let’s go. To the portal.”</p><p>“Like this?” Dean asked, looking himself up and down, blue with goo.</p><p>“We have no choice and no time. Act natural.”</p><p>They stepped back out into the corridor, closing Shawn’s door behind them. Hurriedly yet without looking like they were in a panic, they made their way to the stairs that led down into the office pool, closest to the portal. A couple other demons looked at them askew, but then seemed to focus on their lapel pins and stay quiet.</p><p><em>Everyone must be terrified of upper management here,</em> Castiel thought. Considering how lower-level angels feared the archangels, it did not especially surprise him.</p><p>They were almost at the portal, no more than two rows of desks away, when someone from upstairs called out, “Hey, stop those two! They exploded Shawn and Martha!”</p><p>Demon-Architects rose from their chairs, and Dean grabbed Castiel by the jacket. “Cas! Run for it! Now!”</p><p>One demon tried to stand in their way, blocking the portal. Castiel touched it, focused, and blew it into another pile of goo. That caused the others to back off, suddenly afraid for their own state of being.</p><p>“Alright Cas, what do we do next?” Dean asked, standing at the edge of the portal. He could feel the others’ souls inside of him, nervous yet giddy with the possibility of escape.</p><p>“Just...jump in, and hope this works.”</p><p>Dean took Castiel’s hand and gave him one last look. “Do <em>not</em> let go of me this time.”</p><p>And before Castiel could say another word, Dean lunged forward, yanking them both into the swirling light.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <hr/>
</div><p>They landed hard, once again, this time tumbling to the floor together. Castiel found his feet first and helped Dean stand, noticing the blue goo was gone from both of their bodies, as if vaporized by the portal. He then asked, “Dean, are you alright?”</p><p>“I think so, but...oh, <em>damn it</em>!”</p><p>“What is wrong?”</p><p>Dean glanced down at his right arm, his left, felt his chest. “Cas, they’re...not here,” he said, looking sorrowfully at his companion. “I can feel it, they’re gone, but I don’t know...did the portal rip them from me? Where are they?”</p><p>“I don’t know, I’m sorry.” Castiel’s heart sank. He so wanted to try to help those humans, and now he feared they may have lost their souls forever between dimensions. They clearly weren’t here, there was no sense of their souls floating loose from Dean as they both looked around in bewilderment. </p><p>Dean sighed. “Well, let’s focus on where <em>we</em> are, for now.” They were in a chamber of some kind, this time, and as Dean turned around the portal they’d come through slammed shut. There was a second, similar portal right next to it, also closed.</p><p>Castiel could find no sense of familiar direction or location. If anything they seemed more removed from known space and time than before.</p><p>“We must be in the Neutral Zone,” Castiel said.</p><p>“Place looks like a law office of some kind.” </p><p>“Not too far off, honey buns,” came a woman’s voice in response. One of the large wooden doors along the corridor swung open and a smiling figure strolled out, dressed in judge’s robes. A quick scan and Castiel could tell she at least was not a demon...but whatever she was, it was <em>extremely </em>powerful. A kind of power he had known once before and shuddered to recall.</p><p>“You are the god of this universe,” Castiel said. “You are the Judge.”</p><p>“We don’t have a ‘God’ here, silly-willy. But close enough. You’re right, I am the Judge. And, <em>phooey,</em> but I was hoping I’d get to play around with you boys a little longer before this gig got cancelled.” She took a seat behind the large desk at the front of the room, looking rather peeved at them both. “After all the misery you guys have put me through for fifteen seasons, I wanted a little more time to try to knock some sense into your heads, but I suppose what I got will have to do.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Miss—Judge, but,” Dean stammered, looking back and forth between her and Castiel, “<em>what</em> misery? Seeing how I don’t think we’re even from this particular dimension of time and space. At least not according to him,” Dean added, pointing to Castiel.</p><p>“You’re not, not in reality. But I’ve just binge-watched my way through over two hundred and forty hours of a tv series about you and your brother Sam, and studly angel boy here, and I <em>am not happy</em> with the payoff!”</p><p>“Wait, we’re a...television series in this universe?” Castiel asked.</p><p>Dean looked panicked. “Oh God, is this the one where I’m played by some doofus named Jensen and he’s ‘Misha’?!”</p><p>“Yes, to the first question, and not quite to the second. This is a slightly different alt-universe, because your being sent into <em>that</em> universe thanks to Balthazar was actually season 6 episode 15 of <em>my</em> universe’s <em>Supernatural.” </em>She sat back and waved her hand dismissively. “It’s complicated.”</p><p>Dean tugged on his suit jacket, cracked his neck. “Tell me about it.”</p><p>“Anyway, life here as the Almighty Judge on High of All Beings Living and Dead for All Eternity is pretty breezy these days and there are <em>way</em> too many streaming services, so I have lots of television to entertain myself with. And I have to admit, <em>Supernatural</em> got me hooked! I love a good, long-running show with sexy men and complicated stories I can sink my teeth into. Or at least imagine sinking my teeth into. Or imagine the sexy men doing that sinking to each other,” she said, waggling her eyebrows at them both. </p><p>Dean was turning bright red in the face so Castiel decided to try to rescue him from imminent mortification. “So you invited us here because you’re a... fan?”</p><p>“A fan who’s pretty cheesed off at how it all ended! I’m sorry but I didn’t sit around for that long waiting for you guys to wake up and get it on, only to have <em>you—”</em> she pointed at Cas— “get sucked off into the Empty as soon as you confessed your love for Dean—”</p><p>“You did? I mean, you do?” Dean asked, turning to Castiel, who now felt as though <em>his</em> chosen human form was doing the red-cheeked thing. “And what’s The Empty?”</p><p>The Judge ignored Dean and continued her tirade. "And then <em>you, </em>Dean, ended up dying stupidly two episodes later on a rusty piece of rebar! Pardon my French but that’s bullshit! And yes, you can swear again here. But even if Jack remade Heaven, what kind of busted-ass joke is it you two didn’t even get to reunite on screen before the final send-off?”</p><p>“Who’s Jack?” they both asked her in unison, but she shook her head.</p><p>“Never mind, that’s not important. Not yet at least. What <em>is</em> important is you guys deserved better. All your viewers like me who were rooting for you deserved better, too. But you’re both such a pair of woe-is-me, I-don’t-deserve-love, save-Sammy-and-the-universe-first blah-blah-blahs that you won’t fess up to how you really feel about each other until it’s too late. And I simply can’t have that.”</p><p>“How did you intend to...fix that...by bringing us here, or to wherever we were?” Castiel asked.</p><p>“In Michael’s fake Good Place experiment? Well, because he, and Eleanor, that Janet and the other three humans ended up actually remaking our entire Afterlife for the better. It took them a lot of tries over the course of a <em>lot</em> of Jeremy Bearimys, but they showed me how wrong I’d been about humans and our system of judgement, reward and punishment. He rebooted that neighborhood over 800 times, torturing the humans with his ‘soul mate’ match-ups and demonic buddies before realizing he needed to change his way of thinking and actually work with the humans, not against them, to create a better system for everyone. One that allowed for improvement, not just torture for most and reward for almost none. It’s...a whole lot of zany stuff which will eventually be a television series in <em>your</em> universe; be sure to catch it when it airs in a few years.”</p><p>She got up from behind her desk to stretch and then walk around to lean against the front of it. “I thought I’d tweak one of his longer but still unsuccessful attempts a little bit by dropping you two into the mix. Give him the idea to add two new characters and see what happened. See if I could use his ‘soul mate’ gimmick to get through your thick skulls how much you guys need to be together. Let you see the kind of nice life you boys could have if you dropped all the no-homo posturing and fear-of-love-and-honesty stuff. Bonus if I could get you two to boff before Michael snapped those fingers again, but,” she sighed and shrugged, “I guess a girl can’t have it all.”</p><p>“Your concern for our well being is quite touching for an all-powerful immortal being,” Castiel said.</p><p>“Is that all you can say, wing-man?!”</p><p>“He gets like that sometimes,” Dean said. And he stepped in front of Castiel, his green eyes open and fluid, questioning with a vulnerability the angel rarely saw in them. “Cas, is...what she says true?”</p><p>“Which part of it? I cannot foresee our future, I don’t have that power.”</p><p><em>“You know. </em>The part about...how you feel. Right here and now.”</p><p>“C’mon, Cas, spit it out!” the Judge pleaded. “Or else I’m gonna have to start on the <em>Dr. Sexy</em> characters, sort out <em>their </em>love lives. And that’s a whole other mess enough to give me a migraine.”</p><p>“You don’t have to tell me,” Dean said in agreement to the Judge. “That show is a disaster.”</p><p>“Yeah but <em>giiiiiirl, </em>Dr. Sexy can get it, am I right?” She fanned herself for a moment. “But for real. Just confess to each other how you feel, give me one good kiss to seal the deal, and I’ll send you both back to your regularly scheduled programming. Albeit hopefully with a better ending for everyone involved.”</p><p>This was not how Castiel had ever imagined telling Dean how he felt. If he ever would, or <em>could,</em> because he’d been so sure it was his secret to keep locked away.</p><p>His love for Dean Winchester was the light that had so far guided him through his own darkest times and given him reason to hold on. A reason to do his penance in Purgatory and survive, to not simply meet death as countless numbers of his brothers and sisters had.</p><p>He paused, in his own train of thought, realizing...isn’t this what he should be telling Dean?</p><p>“Cas?”</p><p>Castiel drew in a breath, reaching to put his hand on Dean’s arm. Then he decided that wasn’t enough, and slid his arm down to reach Dean’s hand, clasp it in his own. “Dean, there are scarcely words in any human language to describe what you mean to me. From the moment I first touched your tortured soul in Hell, you...<em>awakened</em> something inside of me. All the doubts and questions I’d had before about my purpose, about serving God, you cracked them wide open. You gave me another reason to be, a <em>true</em> higher purpose. But I fear sometimes what I could do because of it. What I have done already, the mistakes I’ve made...”</p><p>“We’ve <em>all</em> made mistakes, Cas.”</p><p>“I know, but...you did not try to become God as one of them. Nor cause so much loss of life, unleashing the Leviathans...”</p><p>“But at the end of the day we’ve saved the world, more than once now! You, me and Sam! And we couldn’t have done it without you!” Dean shook his head, and pleadingly asked. “Cas, do you need me to say it first?”</p><p>“Well <em>somebody</em> say it already, <em>jeez</em>!” the judge put in. “I’m not getting any younger, here, and I got more shows to watch.”</p><p>Dean looked at Cas, eyes pleading, begging, words clearly on the tip of his own tongue but so difficult to get out. But then Dean closed the space between them and his lips met Cas’s, stealing the angel’s words as they fell into the kiss together.</p><p><em>This...this is Heaven</em>, Cas thought, never having known such peace and joy as he felt sharing breath and touch with Dean. The Judge was right, they had both been fools to deny it for so long.</p><p>After a long, beautiful moment that could have lasted an eternity, Cas forced himself to break the kiss. He looked into Dean’s beautiful green eyes and said, “I love you” just as Dean uttered those same words back at him. And they laughed, eyes darting away and then together again, both drawn to and so afraid to see the love reflecting back and forth between them.</p><p>“You guys are gonna make me cry,” the Judge sniffed. “But happy tears, not angry/sad ones like I did during fifteen-eighteen and fifteen-twenty.”</p><p>“You may not be the only one,” Castiel said, reaching up to wipe away a damp tear from the corner of Dean’s eye, feeling moisture within his own. This vessel, this humanoid form not truly of Earthly origins, could still respond in a way to express his emotions, these feelings he was discovering one by one...all thanks to Dean.</p><p>“Hey, uh, not to break the moment, but,” Dean sniffed, pulling apart just enough to look toward the Judge. “What happened to the others, anyway? I had them in me before the portal, and—”</p><p>“Oh, don’t worry about them, I popped them back where they belonged as soon as they came through the portal with you. It’s not time for them to meet me yet; they still have another five, six hundred reboots with Michael to go through before they’re ready for their next challenge. But don’t worry, they get things back on track around here, eventually. Just like you will back in your home timeline and world. Speaking of which...” She went back behind her desk, opened a drawer and took out a remote. Pointing it toward the second portal, she pressed a button and it swung open. “Time for you guys to get back to where you belong.”</p><p>“Home,” Dean said, looking at Castiel with a wonderful, shy smile.</p><p>“Home,” Castiel confirmed, squeezing Dean’s hand. “Thank you,” he said to the Judge.</p><p>“Thank <em>you</em> for all the years of eye candy. And crazy storylines that at least hung together better than <em>The X-Files</em>.”</p><p>They started walking toward the portal, and Castiel paused momentarily, turning back to the Judge. “I don’t suppose, since you can control time as well as inter-dimensional space, that you could send us back to an earlier point in our lives.” Dean looked at Castiel with some confusion. “To when we were at the rift in Purgatory. I realize now the mistake I made in believing I did not deserve to leave with Dean.”</p><p>“Sorry, boo-bear. I <em>could</em> do that, but I’m afraid of messing with your lives <em>too </em>much. There are some lessons you’re going to need to learn that you have coming up, as painful as they may be. But maybe they won’t be quite so bad if you let Dean in on them from now on.”</p><p>Castiel nodded in understanding. It had been worth a shot. Dean still looked perplexed, so Castiel said, “When we get to the other side, there are things I need to tell you. How I got out of Purgatory. What it cost me. How I need your help.”</p><p>“Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it together. No other way.”</p><p>“No other way,” Castiel repeated. And as one, angel and human, spirit and soul, hand in hand, they took that giant leap forward into the light.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*<em>end</em>*</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Dear penna_nomen:</p><p>I truly did not intend for this story to get so LONG, but as I started writing it I was just having so much fun with these characters I couldn't stop myself. You said you were hoping for some humor from this exchange, this year; I hope I was able to at least bring a smile to your face. Thank you for requesting one of my new favorite fandoms, and a long time favorite of mine, and giving me an excuse to see how they might come together.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>